All of me
by Cruentus Caelum
Summary: Four months after Sirius's death, Remus is heartbroken, and his road to recovery is proving to be rather difficult. Songfic, based on My Immortal. Implied SBRL.


**Disclaimerblahblahallthatjazz  
I do not own any of this, except the story itself. I don't own Remus, although I wish I did. I don't own Sirius, although that I wish for too. Just.. not the dead part. And, you guessed it, I don't own "My Immortal" -either.- How creepy is that? spooky music here  
Flamers will receive their own free stake to be burnt at by their own flames. **

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_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all of my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

It had been approximately four months since Sirius had fallen through the veil. Four months since Remus Lupin had lost his best friend. Four months since he became the only true remaining Marauder. Four months since any remaining spark in Number 12 Grimmauld Place had been cruelly snatched away… And four months since Remus had had his heart broken.

Remus and Sirius had always been there for one another. Always. Even through Azkaban. Could Remus truly say he had believed Sirius was guilty? No, he could not. Something about such an accusation just didn't register with him; not now, and not ever. It was impossible. But what could a lovesick werewolf do about it, with no evidence pointing at anyone else?

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Remus was devastated. Absolutely devastated, and nobody could understand just how much Sirius's death was affecting him. He had lost his soul mate. His closest and dearest friend. _His_ Sirius was gone, and he wasn't coming back… That was something that was damn near killing Remus. In his mind, there was no one who could love him as much as Sirius had. Who would want to? He was a werewolf. Dangerous. Something to be avoided – yet Sirius had stood by him. Remus had never really been able to express just how deeply grateful he was for that. Whenever it had come up, Sirius would just smile and insist that love was enough… Oh, how Remus longed to see that smile and hear that voice again.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

He missed him. He missed him terribly, and it ate at him constantly like a parasite; a parasite that thrived on endless heartache and sorrow. If he could just feel him again, be held in those arms one more time… Such a wish was greater than Remus's will to live without Sirius. He remembered quite clearly all of the things they did together. He couldn't let go of the memories no matter what… He couldn't let go of the love in his heart.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

The curtains were drawn in the lone man's room, permitting hardly any light to get through to him. Light reminded him of Sirius. Remus thought of him enough as it was; he didn't need anything to provoke even more thoughts of him. It was around one in the afternoon, but Remus had confined himself to his bedroom for the day. Sirius's death was just daunting, and the emotional strain it had on the lonely man was overwhelming. He didn't feel up to facing the world today, and for good reason: today was the anniversary of that godforsaken, awful, horrible, wretched, catastrophic day.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

As he sat there on his bed, his eyes never once left the photograph he held gingerly in his hands, as if it would shatter into a million pieces if he handled it wrong. A small, sad smile crossed his face as he watched the figure grin and wave. It was better than nothing, Remus would have to admit, yet it was nowhere near as good as the real thing. The real thing had hugs, kisses… Hell, the real thing had _talking._ While the pictures moved, sound was not one of the features offered. While it couldn't be helped, it hurt Remus even more; there was Sirius, immortalized in photographic form, so close, yet unable to reach out and hug his Moony. Unable to kiss him. Unable to say 'I love you'…

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

The pain was getting worse. Remus forced his gaze away from the picture he held. Now studying the pattern embroidered on the blanket that covered his bed, his thoughts were still in the grasp of the heartbreaking memories. Sirius had gotten it for him, a while ago. He'd been in need of a new one, but had resigned himself to the fact that he would go without; that he couldn't afford it and the money he _did_ have could be put to a better, less selfish use. Sirius had taken it upon himself to fix the problem… Remus wondered now if he had ever really thanked him for it. He supposed he had, with how much love he'd showered over the man, but he still wasn't entirely sure. The picture seemed to notice his uncertainty and, in a way, self-doubt, as there was no doubt that there was concern on Sirius's face when Remus let his eyes drift back to the framed memorial.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
And though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

It was clearer now than it had ever been before: nobody could understand the pain that Remus was going through, all because of that stupid veil. Nobody but another lycanthrope whose only love, their only reason for living, had been taken from them, could truly even begin to comprehend how deep it was. He didn't get as much joy out of the things he'd always liked, anymore. Reading wasn't fun; he'd always looked forward to Sirius asking all sorts of questions about it, just to bug him. Walks weren't fun; he'd always gone with Sirius. Rainy days weren't fun. Sunny days weren't fun. _Living_ wasn't fun anymore. Everyone in the Order had tried to help him along, but it wasn't the same at all. If they didn't really get it, then how _could_ it be? They had no idea what it was like… Remus was alone in this. Alone with his pictures, memories, and orphaned love.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

The fighting tears finally broke through the frontlines, overtaking his cheeks before composure even had a chance to fight back. From the very beginning of their love at Hogwarts, up until the bitter end, Sirius had always had all of him, and he still did. Remus had always had all of Sirius, as well, and now that Sirius was gone, so was a part of Remus. He knew that all too well as he sat there, crying softly. Nobody deserved to hurt like he was hurting now. _Nobody_. With trembling hands, he set the picture down on the table next to his bed, and halfheartedly wiped away tears – these were replaced, shortly after.

"God I miss you," he whispered. His voice was shaky due to the crying that continued. "I'd give anything just to have you here again…" Remus attempted to smile at how foolish he was being, talking to someone that wasn't even alive anymore, let alone there. A yawn burst through while he rid himself of tears, and after a final, sorrowful glance to the picture, he curled up slightly – when all else failed, take a nap. He was in need of one, anyway; so much sadness could really be draining for a person.

When he woke up there was a mark on Sirius's picture: a fairly large, black spot, shaped unmistakably like a paw print.


End file.
